1. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
2. Knowledge is like underwear. It’s useful to have it , but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
3. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
4. Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. – Oscar Wilde
5. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. – Rodney Dangerfield
6. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
7. If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
8. Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
9. Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
10. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
11. Age and glasses of wine should never be counted.
12. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
13. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
14. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
15. I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
16. Love is like war: easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget.
17. If common sense is so common, why is there so many people without it.
18. I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today.
19. Never steal. The government hates competition.
20. Save water and shower together.
21. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
22. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
23. Creativity is contagious, pass it on. – Albert Einstein
24. The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. – Walt Disney
25. When nothing goes right, go left.
26. Don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. (Stephen Colbert)
27. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. (Mark Twain)
28. There are two great days in a person's life – the day we are born and the day we discover why. (William Barclay)